Minneapolis … Kansas?

 by Theoharides

As an East Coaster with a proud bias, it came as a bit of a surprise for me to learn that Minneapolis, Minnesota was A. a real place, B. a fun (even hip in a ‘to be square’ kind of way) place, and C. a place I would end up enjoying as much, if not more than (shock of shocks) my home state of Massachusetts. Nevertheless, after a recent Google-based discovery, I remain a bit suspicious of the second Minneapolis. You know; Minneapolis, Kansas: 

Yep... There she be

The state of Kansas eludes me for a number of reasons. I always got the sense it was being mocked in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. I have no idea where to place it on a map. Or why Ar-kansas is pronounced so differently. And then there’s the fact that Kansas City is primarily in Missouri. That just doesn’t happen in Minnesota, let alone on the Least (oops), I mean East Coast. So when I discovered the town of Minneapolis, KS existed, I decided it deserved close scrutiny. 

No, I didn’t actually make the 9 hour-and-21-minute-trip (thank you Google Directions) from Minneapolis to Minneapolis. What kind of unpaid blogger do you take me for? I merely took a wonderful journey on the World Wide Web to a little slice of heaven known as minneapolisksorg.org. What a website! Easy to navigate, straight to the point, with pretty pictures to boot. Minneapolis must be awesome! If you don’t believe me, check out their town mottos (that’s right they have two): ‘A great place to call home’ and ‘Come for a visit … stay for a lifetime’.

Then there’s the pictures. Pretty fall foliage–check. A waterfall cascading onto a frozen river–check plus. Fireworks bursting into the nighttime sky–sounds fun but you’re starting to lose me. Countless piles of rocks–well you had me at pretty fall foliage folks, there’s no need to blow your load on the home page!

        

Now before you depart our beloved Minneapolis tundra for that other Minneapolis, I should warn you of a few things. First; over the past week, the temperature in Minneapolis (which is prominently displayed on the home page) has strayed several degrees above my “sweating in public is not cool” threshold. Eight church locations are listed for a town of roughly 2,000 people. Employment opportunities are limited to G.L. Huyett, a company that produces grease fitting and o-rings; the Ottawa County Health Center, which presumably produces health; and Dak Plastics, a wholesale fiberglass manufacturing facility. It is also a bit disconcerting that on the “City page” there is a photograph of firemen trying to saw through a flipped-over car alongside a photograph of two ambulances rushing off to duty. Finally, I’m a bit turned off by the list of recreation activities, which includes sports, sports, swimming (apparently not considered a sport in Minneapolis), more sports and hunting. That’s right–nothing else is listed. 

Still, when it comes down to it, I must say I’m intrigued by the bright lights and the promise of a town that proudly proclaims that “The future looks great with continued hard work and investment.” Maybe Dorothy really was sad not to be in Kansas anymore. After all, with a  location just south of Nebraska, to the east of Colorado, west of Missouri (give us our city back!), and north of that notoriously great neighbor Oklahoma, could there be a more wonderful place to call home?

Rate That Lake – Part II

 By Theoharides

With one lake down (the very avoidable Brownie), it’s my proud honor to announce MinnePop’s second least-favorite lake in the Twin Cities! Okay, so it’s not the most impressive announcement–still, I think you might be surprised.

My rating system, as always, is the essence of sagacity and virtue. In other words, I think you can guess where I pulled it out of. When rating the lakes, I took into account four categories: the aesthetics, because lakes, like beauty contestants, only win if they’ve got the goods; the “serenity-now” factor, or how easy it is at each lake to forget about long winters and daily stress; the people watching, oh you know you enjoy it too; and recreation, ’nuff said. Each category was rated on a scale of one to ten (ten being the high, one the low) and the scores were averaged for a grand total “Rate that Lake” score. Most likely I will offend, and I anticipate debate. Tell me what you think. Rip on my rates. Rate my rips.

Lake Calhoun – 5 Points

Not your Grandma’s Lake — or Mine

 

Calhoun certainly has the accolades, (it was named the Best Public Park of 2008 by a City Pages readers’ poll) and the fanfare (it is the most crowded locale in the Chain of Lakes and is referenced in several local hip-hop jams); however, it lacks charm and grace and is overcrowded with Popeye-forearmed collegiates, tight-jean hipsters, and over-aged men hitting on under-aged girls.

Aesthetics: 4

Calhoun is nearly a perfect circle, has minimal  trees and is surrounded on one side by overgrown condos. While it does get some points for its beaches, southwestern mansions, and great view of downtown Minneapolis, in general, Lake Calhoun’s appearance bores.

Serenity-now: 1

From the first sign of melt, Calhoun is jam-packed with people. It is the lake you visit to see and be seen–not to relax.

People Watching: 10

What can I say–Calhoun brings out the best and the brightest of the “did you just say that?” all stars. There is the elderly couple that rides their bikes in Americana underwear (and nothing butt), the surfer dude who goes shirtless in January, the half-naked coeds and musclebound eds, Big Al Jefferson and his entourage, etc, etc, etc. Just great!

Recreation: 5

Lake Calhoun has three beaches–32nd, North, and Thomas. There is also a restaurant, boat rental, nearby archery range, and close proximity to Uptown. However, most of the activities are hindered by the crowds that partake in them. Enjoyable fishing and canoeing, for instance, are very difficult to find.

Holy Time-eater, Batman!

By Myrtle Schmeckpepper

The West Hotel, which used to tower over 5th and Hennepin. I'm slobbering all over turn-of-the-century downtown right now.

This is some dangerous business I’ve gotten into. I’ve always thought I nurse an unhealthy level of obsession with details and certain subject matters–old-timey things and local trivia being two big ones of late. To this end, I caught onto a series of Web sites detailing the old-timey architecture of Minneapolis; past, present, and demolished.

Hi, I'm James Lileks. I like old stuff too!

Very interesting stuff, and described in the fun, irreverent voice of Strib columnist James Lileks.

‘Gee, this is a fun way to spend a few minutes on a Friday afternoon,’ I thought.

Then I started peeling the onion. A) This guy is all over the internet, and B) He makes my obsessions look practically ADD in comparison. Take the red pill and follow me down the wormhole, if you will:

Here’s his main “Minneapolis” Web site. Nested inside are five different sites, each devoted to the architectural history in different aspects of our fair city. Inside each of those sites are a half-dozen to a dozen slide shows on the notable buildings contained within.

• There’s Downtown: the granddaddy of the sites, with 40 (count ‘em, 40!) or so slide shows illustrating the greatest architectural hits of then and now, lovingly scanned by hand. All your old pals are there: city hall, Wells Fargo/Norwest, and my personal favorite–scrappy, egotistical little Foshay. Fo’ sho? Yes, Foshay. 
  

  I was the tallest cat in town for a while, I swear!

• There’s the Long Gone section, which–dear god, I didn’t know how deep this goes. The title explains it all, but Lileks (bless him) further breaks our dearly departed structures into more subcategories: Office Blocks, Hotels, the Gateway District, Theaters, Nicollet Ave.–Oh, dear, I’m going to need some smelling salts.
• There’s the University–perhaps we’ll find out how Dinkytown got so dinky.
• The Lakes! My local-trivia sense is tingling.
• And finally, Modernism. Not my favorite (so angular! so unadorned! so avocado!) but still interesting.

I’ve made it through downtown so far, and I figure I’ve got a solid 12 hours of timewasting left in these bad boys, easy. But the thing is, he’s continually updating and adding to them! It’s a Sisyphean task, keeping up. Hats off to you, Lileks, you are the master. I hope that one day I can be as fixated and focused as you. But until then a warning to everyone else:

Don’t click on The Leamington post. You’ll be there for days.

Rate that Lake – Brownie Time

Theoharides

Summer is here, Summer is here. Sound the bells, or if you live in my neck-of-the-woods, the tornado sirens, and embrace the arrival of pleasant weather, skirts (fun for the girls and for the boys), and of course the advent of lake season. All of which makes now the perfect time to rate the lakes of our great, waterlogged hub.

My rating system, as always, is the essence of sagacity and virtue. In other words, I think you can guess where I pulled it out of. When rating the lakes, I took into account four categories: the aesthetics, because lakes, like beauty contestants, only win if they’ve got the goods; the “serenity-now” factor, or how easy it is at each lake to forget about long winters and daily stress; the people watching, oh you know you enjoy it too; and recreation, ’nuff said. Each category was rated on a scale of one to ten. Ten being the high, one the low, and the score were averaged for a grand Rate that Lake score. Most likely I will offend, and I anticipate debate. Tell me what you think. Rip on my rates. Rate on my rips.

Each post will cover one lake, starting with…

Brownie Lake – 2.5

Previously known as Hillside Harbor, Brownie may reside at the northernmost point of the chain of lakes, but it is by far the worst of the bunch. Lets just put it this way—you would have to indulge in a particular kind of brownie to enjoy this lake.

Aesthetics: 2 – A small puddle of murky water bordered by a railroad embankment and an I-394 overpass. Only appealing if you’re Sarah, as in Plain and Tall, and haven’t seen water in months.

Serenity-now: 2 – Roadways and train tracks abound. More like, serenity-how.

People Watching: 3 – Points for the abundance of bicyclists, but not much else to see.

Recreation: 3 – According to the official Parks & Rec. site, the lake provides for fishing, non-motorized boats, and archery. Frankly, would you eat those fish?, paddle those boats?, or shoot those arrows?

NBA Draft – T-Wolves Making Moves

The kings is dead, the king is dead. The days of Kevin “up and under blow our cover” McHale running the show for the T-Wolves are over. Despite, K-Love’s tweet’s of protestestation–thank god. For the first time, in a long time, the T-Wolves under the direction of new GM David Kahn, appear to have made the right moves in the NBA draft. After they moved up in the draft with their trade of Mike Miller and Randy Foye for the number 5 pick, I was concerned they would end up choosing James Harden. Luckily, Oklahoma made that mistake for us. Lets break down our first round picks:

Mt. Fuji-Open for Business

The new Uptown Sushi spot is now open for business. It’s just south of 28th and Hennepin, a particularly convenient location for me. I managed to careen over with a few friends on its opening night to find some loiterers outside the door, waving the sidewalk through the entry. The staff was pleasant from the get-go and eager to introduce us to their particular brand of uptown hip.

Restaurant Review: Jasmine Deli

Well, kids, after about 10 visits to Eat Street’s Jasmine Deli, I can no longer keep my praise for the place confined to street-corner soapboxes. I must take it to The Internets, where it might be heard by all who would be delighted by a big bowl of noodley goodness.

The Paperback Exchange

In college, I had the opportunity to take a creative non-fiction class called Location, Location, Location. The point of the class was that when it came to writing, location, or setting the scene, is everything. The same cannot be said about the places that hold all that wonderfully located writing–namely used bookstores

The Spyhouse on Hennepin and 24th.

Coffee Shop Moment #309: It is the midst of an afternoon.. A lone barista is working the floor. Most tables are filled around the coffee shop. You count the laptops – one, two, three… twelve? Holy Burundi! Almost everyone has their face buried in a screen. Then, slowly, you notice it happening. One person looks up from behind the lid of their laptop. The motionless statues start to move. Another person looks to their left and then their right, with bewildered eyes. What happened, they seem to say. Pretty soon all the customers are looking at each other. “Is it happening to you?” they say to each other without words. “I don’t know what happened,” the others silently respond. As the befuddled looks spread across the entire coffee shop, you notice the barista watching the scene, with a subtle sneer. The coffee shop is full of muted commotion. Finally, the arms and legs of a laptoper come alive. The person dislodges their body from behind the table and wanders up to the counter. “Can I help you?” the barista asks while already knowing the problem. “Um, yes. My internet isn’t working. Can you check the router?”

The Battle for Minnesota

It’s time to get political on you. I imagine most of you readers are somewhat plugged into the news. You may not read the NY Times or even the Strib regularly, but I’m sure you know we have a new president, a wicked recession on our hands, and a governor whose main interests appear to be his “no new taxes” pledge and positioning himself for national office.