Minneapolis … Kansas?

 by Theoharides

As an East Coaster with a proud bias, it came as a bit of a surprise for me to learn that Minneapolis, Minnesota was A. a real place, B. a fun (even hip in a ‘to be square’ kind of way) place, and C. a place I would end up enjoying as much, if not more than (shock of shocks) my home state of Massachusetts. Nevertheless, after a recent Google-based discovery, I remain a bit suspicious of the second Minneapolis. You know; Minneapolis, Kansas: 

Yep... There she be

The state of Kansas eludes me for a number of reasons. I always got the sense it was being mocked in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. I have no idea where to place it on a map. Or why Ar-kansas is pronounced so differently. And then there’s the fact that Kansas City is primarily in Missouri. That just doesn’t happen in Minnesota, let alone on the Least (oops), I mean East Coast. So when I discovered the town of Minneapolis, KS existed, I decided it deserved close scrutiny. 

No, I didn’t actually make the 9 hour-and-21-minute-trip (thank you Google Directions) from Minneapolis to Minneapolis. What kind of unpaid blogger do you take me for? I merely took a wonderful journey on the World Wide Web to a little slice of heaven known as minneapolisksorg.org. What a website! Easy to navigate, straight to the point, with pretty pictures to boot. Minneapolis must be awesome! If you don’t believe me, check out their town mottos (that’s right they have two): ‘A great place to call home’ and ‘Come for a visit … stay for a lifetime’.

Then there’s the pictures. Pretty fall foliage–check. A waterfall cascading onto a frozen river–check plus. Fireworks bursting into the nighttime sky–sounds fun but you’re starting to lose me. Countless piles of rocks–well you had me at pretty fall foliage folks, there’s no need to blow your load on the home page!

        

Now before you depart our beloved Minneapolis tundra for that other Minneapolis, I should warn you of a few things. First; over the past week, the temperature in Minneapolis (which is prominently displayed on the home page) has strayed several degrees above my “sweating in public is not cool” threshold. Eight church locations are listed for a town of roughly 2,000 people. Employment opportunities are limited to G.L. Huyett, a company that produces grease fitting and o-rings; the Ottawa County Health Center, which presumably produces health; and Dak Plastics, a wholesale fiberglass manufacturing facility. It is also a bit disconcerting that on the “City page” there is a photograph of firemen trying to saw through a flipped-over car alongside a photograph of two ambulances rushing off to duty. Finally, I’m a bit turned off by the list of recreation activities, which includes sports, sports, swimming (apparently not considered a sport in Minneapolis), more sports and hunting. That’s right–nothing else is listed. 

Still, when it comes down to it, I must say I’m intrigued by the bright lights and the promise of a town that proudly proclaims that “The future looks great with continued hard work and investment.” Maybe Dorothy really was sad not to be in Kansas anymore. After all, with a  location just south of Nebraska, to the east of Colorado, west of Missouri (give us our city back!), and north of that notoriously great neighbor Oklahoma, could there be a more wonderful place to call home?

Rate That Lake – Part II

 By Theoharides

With one lake down (the very avoidable Brownie), it’s my proud honor to announce MinnePop’s second least-favorite lake in the Twin Cities! Okay, so it’s not the most impressive announcement–still, I think you might be surprised.

My rating system, as always, is the essence of sagacity and virtue. In other words, I think you can guess where I pulled it out of. When rating the lakes, I took into account four categories: the aesthetics, because lakes, like beauty contestants, only win if they’ve got the goods; the “serenity-now” factor, or how easy it is at each lake to forget about long winters and daily stress; the people watching, oh you know you enjoy it too; and recreation, ’nuff said. Each category was rated on a scale of one to ten (ten being the high, one the low) and the scores were averaged for a grand total “Rate that Lake” score. Most likely I will offend, and I anticipate debate. Tell me what you think. Rip on my rates. Rate my rips.

Lake Calhoun – 5 Points

Not your Grandma’s Lake — or Mine

 

Calhoun certainly has the accolades, (it was named the Best Public Park of 2008 by a City Pages readers’ poll) and the fanfare (it is the most crowded locale in the Chain of Lakes and is referenced in several local hip-hop jams); however, it lacks charm and grace and is overcrowded with Popeye-forearmed collegiates, tight-jean hipsters, and over-aged men hitting on under-aged girls.

Aesthetics: 4

Calhoun is nearly a perfect circle, has minimal  trees and is surrounded on one side by overgrown condos. While it does get some points for its beaches, southwestern mansions, and great view of downtown Minneapolis, in general, Lake Calhoun’s appearance bores.

Serenity-now: 1

From the first sign of melt, Calhoun is jam-packed with people. It is the lake you visit to see and be seen–not to relax.

People Watching: 10

What can I say–Calhoun brings out the best and the brightest of the “did you just say that?” all stars. There is the elderly couple that rides their bikes in Americana underwear (and nothing butt), the surfer dude who goes shirtless in January, the half-naked coeds and musclebound eds, Big Al Jefferson and his entourage, etc, etc, etc. Just great!

Recreation: 5

Lake Calhoun has three beaches–32nd, North, and Thomas. There is also a restaurant, boat rental, nearby archery range, and close proximity to Uptown. However, most of the activities are hindered by the crowds that partake in them. Enjoyable fishing and canoeing, for instance, are very difficult to find.