Rate That Lake – Part II

 By Theoharides

With one lake down (the very avoidable Brownie), it’s my proud honor to announce MinnePop’s second least-favorite lake in the Twin Cities! Okay, so it’s not the most impressive announcement–still, I think you might be surprised.

My rating system, as always, is the essence of sagacity and virtue. In other words, I think you can guess where I pulled it out of. When rating the lakes, I took into account four categories: the aesthetics, because lakes, like beauty contestants, only win if they’ve got the goods; the “serenity-now” factor, or how easy it is at each lake to forget about long winters and daily stress; the people watching, oh you know you enjoy it too; and recreation, ’nuff said. Each category was rated on a scale of one to ten (ten being the high, one the low) and the scores were averaged for a grand total “Rate that Lake” score. Most likely I will offend, and I anticipate debate. Tell me what you think. Rip on my rates. Rate my rips.

Lake Calhoun – 5 Points

Not your Grandma’s Lake — or Mine

 

Calhoun certainly has the accolades, (it was named the Best Public Park of 2008 by a City Pages readers’ poll) and the fanfare (it is the most crowded locale in the Chain of Lakes and is referenced in several local hip-hop jams); however, it lacks charm and grace and is overcrowded with Popeye-forearmed collegiates, tight-jean hipsters, and over-aged men hitting on under-aged girls.

Aesthetics: 4

Calhoun is nearly a perfect circle, has minimal  trees and is surrounded on one side by overgrown condos. While it does get some points for its beaches, southwestern mansions, and great view of downtown Minneapolis, in general, Lake Calhoun’s appearance bores.

Serenity-now: 1

From the first sign of melt, Calhoun is jam-packed with people. It is the lake you visit to see and be seen–not to relax.

People Watching: 10

What can I say–Calhoun brings out the best and the brightest of the “did you just say that?” all stars. There is the elderly couple that rides their bikes in Americana underwear (and nothing butt), the surfer dude who goes shirtless in January, the half-naked coeds and musclebound eds, Big Al Jefferson and his entourage, etc, etc, etc. Just great!

Recreation: 5

Lake Calhoun has three beaches–32nd, North, and Thomas. There is also a restaurant, boat rental, nearby archery range, and close proximity to Uptown. However, most of the activities are hindered by the crowds that partake in them. Enjoyable fishing and canoeing, for instance, are very difficult to find.

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